Why do we doubt that the magic is real?
The path is not always easy. Sometimes it feels like we are going in the right direction, we feel it in our bones. All the signs are good, we feel inspired, we feel magnetised into action. We take our tentative steps into the unknown… and then boom. We lose steam, we feel like an imposter, we feel like we don’t know what we are doing and everyone can see it. Doubts creep in and eat holes into our vision and resolve to move forward with this thing that we’ve chosen to do. Before we know it, we get stuck, again. The idea starts fading and the energy fizzles out… and we don’t know why it happened, again. We feel like a failure and we are disappointed in ourselves. We think we don’t have what it takes, whatever that “what” it is. And on we go, putting on a brave face while inside we feel like falling apart.
Doubt is like a worm that eats our apple. It pokes holes in our story. It makes us feel bad. We wish that we could just get rid of it. Why can’t we??? Well, the simple answer is because we need it. I don’t need doubt, you may say. It’s been ruining my show for ever, you may say. I’d like to kick it in the nuts and never see it darken my doorstep ever again, you may think.
But doubt is actually our ally. You may have heard of Our Shadow, as first described by Carl Jung. Perhaps you have been doing your Shadow Work. Perhaps this is a new concept to you. In short, if you are new to this, Carl Jung proposed that we have aspects of our personality that is in the light and other aspects that are in shadow. The light parts are those that we are proud of. Perhaps we are kind to animals, perhaps we are patient to a fault. Perhaps we selflessly work to help others. Those are the things we show to the world without fear. The shadow aspects of ourselves are the ones we are not so proud to show. Perhaps you are harbouring some deep anger towards someone or something, and this makes you flip your lid when expressions of huge anger are not really appropriate. Perhaps you are knee-haltered by debilitating procrastination that makes you feel terrible because you have good ideas but never seem to be able to bring them to fruition. Maybe you are unkind to people that deserve more kindness from you. These are the kinds of things that we are not proud of. Most of the time we find it hard to explain why these things are active in us and why we seem to be unable to move past them or eradicate them from our lives. Most of the time we try and squash these dark things down because we feel that we should not have them in the first place. They don’t fit the picture we are trying to present to the world. They should not be there.
Here is the clincher, though… the more you try and ignore them or try and exclude them or try to run from them, the more power they gain. Here is where the Shadow Work comes in. Instead of running or hiding or ignoring, we are asked to look, to acknowledge, to include them.
But what does that even mean? How do we embrace things aspects of ourselves that hate, that make us feel bad about ourselves, that others are hurt by, that we are told we should sort out? Knowing that we “should embrace our shadow selves” may feel like an intellectual idea that we can grasp the meaning of – but how do we actually do it?
The first thing to do is to acknowledge that this shadow part exists. There is no shame in admitting this. You are not going to hell. You are not less of a good person because of it. Your shadow is a perfectly normal thing to have, every single human being has a shadow side. Stop beating yourself up about it. Look upon yourself with compassion and care, like you would look at a small child trying to learn something. You may not exactly be proud of feeling, for instance, doubt or anger, but stop judging yourself negatively for it. That is the second step. By stopping viewing yourself or this aspect of you behaviour as “wrong”, you can now get your hands in the dough to start reshaping it. To be sure, this takes radical responsibility for yourself and your actions. You are not condoning something that is perhaps causing harm to yourself and / or others. You are facing it head-on now – and with the attitude that actually empowers you to make changes to the way it plays out in your life. This is the third step: looking this shadowy part straight in the eyes. Saying to yourself: OK, I have this very deep anger in me or I have this debilitating doubt. It does not make me a wrong human being. I am looking it straight in the eye. I am sitting with it by the fire. It has something to tell me. What is the message it is wanting to give me?
Sitting down with the shadow is not easy. It sounds simple to say but it is difficult to do. It may mean that you need to get some professional help to be with this shadow – in the shape of therapy or a guide to help you decipher the message. It could take a fair amount of time to do – it won’t necessarily be a quick process. You may be required to do some deep introspection and take stock of your position in this moment in time. It may be that you have some very strong defence mechanisms built up around this shadow – which you would first need to disable and dismantle to some degree. Again, you may need some help to do that – and thank goodness that we have help available to us in the shape of devoted and caring people that study how to do these things, and also our helpers in other dimensions. In short, you may very well be required to do some deep digging – but always with a deep sense of love and compassion for yourself.
But why would we even begin such an arduous task? Sounds terrible, you may think, like it’s too much hard work. The thing is that this hard work pays off in spades. Not doing the work will trip you up for the rest of your life. That’s why we do it. Doing the work transforms this thing that we hate and causes havoc in our life into something that helps us. The demons we face, become our friends.
Let’s go back to the doubt mentioned earlier on… Doubt shot me in the foot when I was just getting started. Doubt made me feel like an imposter when I was trying to step up my game. Doubt kept me small when I knew there is so much more I am capable of. Doubt leered at me from the shadows, called me names. Sabotaged my show. Made me feel like a failure. It took me a long time to face it. I always thought I should be getting rid of it. That I should be strong enough to overcome this doubt, that I should be clever enough to know how to avoid it. But it always won. I became hopeless, desperate. Nothing I did could make it go away. And then one day something magical happened. I was sitting in meditation and I saw myself – like someone else looking at me. I saw a bunch of black worm-like shapes emanating from my body. This kept happening for a while and I had no idea what these black worms were, but I allowed them to be there, without feeling the need to change anything about the picture. Just observing, without judgment. And then it struck me: the wormy shapes represented my doubts! Straight after that realisation, the shapes turned into gold – they were now gold-coloured wormy shapes emanating from my body. Then the next realisation was that my doubt has now been transformed into… discernment. A very necessary skill to have! The thing that I had been trying to get rid of for ages because I thought it was ruining my progress, revealed itself as something important and useful. Without discernment, we squander our energy on things that are not worthy of our attention. Without discernment we can get ourselves into trouble. Discernment helps us pick out a path through confusing things. It helps us grow and lift beyond fear and darkness. Without it, we are screwed. Two sides of the same coin – one side of the coin is Doubt and then other side of the coin is Discernment… What a discovery! Game changer! It never was about “fixing” the fact that I had doubt… never about having to get rid of it… but to accept it and be with it and then discovering that it had a gift for me.
In essence, that is the value of doing our Shadow Work. Realising that there are gifts to these shadowy aspects of us, these things we don’t want to look at, that we are ashamed of, that we don’t know what to do with. They have gifts for us. We have to do the work to access the gifts, though. It is like mining the gold. It is in the effort we put into it, that we activate the gifts. Nobody else can do it for us. And this is why we gather ourselves to ourselves, why we analyse ourselves and the world we are in, to make sense of the part we are given. Every part we recover makes us more whole and stronger – until we are a complete being again, with all our parts in the light and bestowing gifts. When we do this, we become like a symphony of which all the sections of instruments are working in harmony. We become a beautiful song, a wonderful vibration that emanates love and harmony in a cohesive song. No more strange beats, no out-of-tune notes and no more confusion.
May your song resound strong and clear!
